Well here are the clean jokes you wanted! If you feel a bit more risque, then go to the “not so clean jokes” section.
Watch out for the new jokes!
HARD OF HEARING
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
ICE CREAM PARLOUR
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
NEWBORN BABY
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
LAUGH…YOU WILL AT THIS…!
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
‘What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?’
The doctor replies, ‘A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars ! ‘
‘That’s a lot of money,’ says the old man.
‘Why does it cost so much?’
‘Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!’ states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, ‘Mind if I take a look inside?’
‘No problem,’ replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, ‘That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my Moped !’
Just then the light changes,
So the doctor decides to show
The old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
The speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be
And suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
Something whips by him going much faster !
‘ What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?’ the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator
And takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him,
He sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas
And passes the Moped at 275 mph
And he’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out,
And there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows
Into the back of his Ferrari,
Demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, ‘I’m a doctor…. Is there anything I can do for you?’
The old man whispers,
‘Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!’.
BACON TREE
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says………
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”
“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. “
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon … every imaginable kind of cured pork.
“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”
“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
“Pepe… go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”
“Luis, Luis mi amigo… what ees it? “
“Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush….”
CUP OF TEA
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of my favourite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said: (as only a mother would know), “‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”
BEST DOG STORY EVER!
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’
IRISH LOGIC
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick!
Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat!
Top
OLD AGE AND MEMORY
An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure that nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to him about the problems they were having with their memories. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked him, “Where are you going?”
He replied, “To the kitchen.”
She asked, “Will you please get me a bowl of ice cream?”
He replied, “Sure.”
She then asked him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”
He said, “No, I can remember that.”
She then said, “Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.”
He said, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
She replied, “Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”
With irritation in his voice, he said, “I don’t need to write that down I can remember that.” He then fumed into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said; “I knew it. You forgot my toast.”
Top
FELINE PHYSICS
Law of Cat Inertia – A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion – A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism – All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics – Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching – A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping – All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Refrigerator Observation – If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction – Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking – A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy – All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment – A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Cat Disinterest – A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection – Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition – A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.
Top
DON’T TALK TO MY PARROT
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque.”
“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog Spike. He won’t bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!” “I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled,
“Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”
Top
HINTS FOR WOMEN
Some hints for women.
1. If you think the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach you’re aiming too high.
2. Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you’re sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one — they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forest Gump is unquestionably gay.
9. Men are all the same — they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners — he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he does.
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men — a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men — strong, caring, loving — they’d be wrong but you can still use them.
14. Men are like animals — messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.
15. Men’s brains are like the prison system — not enough cells per man.
16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -“don’t” and “stop” (unless they’re used together).
17. Husbands are like children — they’re fine if they’re someone else’s.
18. If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day and he will be back to his usual self.
19. All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women pass by.
20. If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden he is probably checking out the women behind you.
21. Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a car, once you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but you don’t know where it goes.
Top
THE TRAIN
The British train was quite crowded. A US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma’am, may I have that seat?”
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.”
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. “Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.”
She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!”
This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!”
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. “Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b***h out the window.”
Top
ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN HOSPITAL PATIENT CHARTS:
Top
Empty House
You don’t have to own a cat to appreciate this one….
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don’t want the cat shut in the house because “she” always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.” A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.. “Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away. “She was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!” The cabdriver hit a parked car…
Top
Dead Duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, Cuddles has passed away.” The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? “Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.
“How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “£150!”, she cried, ” £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”
The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan …………..”
Top
A Well Planned Life
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? “
” Yes,” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I’m married to an undertaker.”
Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?”
“One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
Top
A FROG GOES INTO A BANK
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.” Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall – bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Pattie explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
(you’re gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says ……
“It’s a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
Top
PRESCRIPTION
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, ” Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord, have mercy. I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! They’ll throw both of us in jail, and I’ll lose my license.”
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”.
Top
TEN AGAIN
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.
“I’d love to be 10 again,” she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear and everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.; What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being 10 again?”
One eye opened. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.” She said.
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Top
MEN VS WOMEN
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it’s only for £32.50.. None of them will have anything smaller,and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.;
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
What a woman says: C’mon…This place is a mess, You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes if we don’t do the laundry now.
What a man hears: C’MON … blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!!
Obviously this was sent to me by a man!! Typical huh girls!
Top
GARDEN OF EDEN
God And Eve In The Garden Of Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. “Lord, I have a problem!”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.
“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”
“What’s a man, Lord?”
“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”
“Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
What’s the catch, Lord?”
“Well … you can have him on one condition.”
“What’s that, Lord?”
“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring … So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it’s our little secret…
“You know, woman to woman.”
Top
BLONDES AND SNOW
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says “Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load.”
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!”
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says “Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!!”
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says…
“Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in New Hampshire, and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK!”
Top
REPORT ON BEER STUDY
Sad news about beer consumption. You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn’t perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned…
(Personally, I think it’s totally inconclusive – there’s no mention of any of the blokes doing any cooking, cleaning, washing or ironing).
Top
9 THINGS I HATE ABOUT EVERYONE
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it?
4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!
5. When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No Loser, I paid £10 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say “life is short”. What the?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
Top
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and after while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn’t do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing……..
Scroll down (Get ready, it’s good…)
“I can see Clearly now. Lorraine has gone.”
Now wasn’t that worth the wait!!!
Top
DELIA’S WAY
1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. The Real Women’s Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Gods sake, you’re probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. The Real Women’s Way: Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake. The Real Women’s Way: Go to the bakers. They’ll even decorate it for you.
4: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix me up”. The Real Women’s Way: If you over salt a dish while you’re cooking, that’s tough. Please recite with me The Real Women’s motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.
5: Wrap celery in foil when putting in the fridge and it will keep for weeks. The Real Women’s Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. The Real Women’s Way: The Fray Bentos pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don’t do it.
7: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using rubber gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. The Real Women’s Way: Go ask the very gorgeous neighbour to do it.
8: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. The Real Women’s Way: Leftover wine?
9: When catering for an evening buffet, calculate food portions and timings a week in advance, so that you’re not rushing on the night. The Real Women’s Way: Nip into Marks & Sparks on the way home that evening, and buy everything in packets.
10: When you have finished the preparation for your buffet, wash up and treat yourself to a glass of wine. The Real Women’s Way: Hide the packets and drain the last of that “pre dinner” wine bottle…
Top
What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin’ love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin’ love while breaking wind?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin’ love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin’ love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin’ love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Bus?
Talented !!!!
Top
DR. SEUSS’ LOST TONGUE TWISTER
See if you can do this: Read each line aloud
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top. Betcha you can’t resist passing it on.
Top
BEWARE JOBSEEKERS
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St Peter himself.
“Welcome to Heaven”, said St Peter.” Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we’ve never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you”. “No problem, just let me in” said the woman. “Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.” “Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules… “
And with that St Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her fr iends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed and excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got in the elevator. The elevator opened at the Pearly gates and she found St Peter waiting for her. She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St Peter came and got her.
“So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity” he said. The woman replied: “Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.” So St Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. “I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and garbage and all my friends look miserable.” The Devil looked at her and smiled.
“Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff…..” SORRY!
Top
An American fighter pilot was flying his F16 aircraft over Afghanistan, when he noticed a flying carpet on his left hand side, manned by a man with a machine gun.
He looked to his right and saw another carpet alongside, also manned by a man with a machine gun. He thought ‘ I’ve got to get out of this’, so he accelerated flat out and put his plane into a high speed loop and came up behind both carpets, which he shot down.
On arriving back at his Aircraft Carrier, he was told to report to the captain immediately. ‘You idiot!’ said the captain. ‘We saw what you did on radar and now we’re in a load of trouble’.
‘What do you mean?’ said the pilot, ‘I shot both carpets down!’
‘I know that!’ said the captain, ‘but they were Allied Carpets!
Top
A NEW PET
A guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me and have a beer?” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?”
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a drink with me?”
A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes!”
Top
THREE WISHES
Three blondes meet a fairy and are granted one wish each.
The first one says: “I want to be even more blonde than I am!” and ZZAPP – she’s unbelievably blonde.
The second says: “I want to have the bluest eyes in the world.” and ZZAPP – her eyes outshine the sea.
The third says: “I already am stupid, but I want to be more stupid than a stone.” and ZZAPP – she’s a man.
Top
ONLY IN BRITAIN!
– can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
– do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
– do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
– do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
– do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
– do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.
– do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
– are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
18 Brits had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E; in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
and finally………
in 1997 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet!
Top
A FAIRY TALE FOR THE ASSERTIVE WOMAN
For women everywhere……..
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the Princess’ lap and said, “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.” That night, on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought……………I don’t ******* think so.
Top
STRESS MANAGEMENT
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.
There now, feeling better?
Top
TRUE GEMS!
If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the guy who once said: “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen…and replaced by exact duplicates.”
Here are some more of his gems:
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. (Think about it some more.)
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
Top
GHOST STORY
This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Ireland, and even though it may sound like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s real!
It was the middle of a very dark and stormy night, a guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking.
As the night rolled on cars were scarce, and no lights lined the street. The storm was so strong he could barely see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly in the distance he saw the head lights of a car coming towards him and without any reason it slowed to a stand still beside him. Without hesitation, the guy hurriedly gets into the car and closes the door only to realize there is no one sitting behind the wheel.
All of a sudden the car begins to move, the guy looks at the road ahead and notices a sharp curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. Still in shock, but just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel. Paralyzed with terror, the guy watches how the hand appears every time they approach a curve.
Gathering all the strength he has, the guy grabs the door latch, rolls out onto the pavement and runs as fast as he can to the nearest town. Dripping wet and in shock the guy runs into a crowded local bar, asks for two shots of whiskey and begins to tell everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.
Everyone is glued in silence and amazement as they notice the guy shaking, crying but > clearly not drunk. About half an hour later two guys walk into the same bar and in amazement one says to the other.
“Look Mick, that’s the a*****e that got in the car when we were pushing it!”
Top
DALAI LAMA’S INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you loose, don’t loose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R’s: Respect for self, Respect for other’s and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11 Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18 Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
Top
DAVID BRENT OFFICE WISDOM
1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
3. There may be no ‘I’ in team, but there’s a ‘ME’ if you look hard enough.
4. Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.
5. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
6. Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.
7. Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.
8. Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a LOSER!
9. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency – welcome to a day in the average office.
10. It’s the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.
11. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he’s got something to eat and he won’t die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
12. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
13. Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
14. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
15. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven’t understood the seriousness of the situation.
16. You don’t have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.
17. If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you’re trying to get them sacked.
18. If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
19. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
20. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
21. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
22. There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’. But then there’s no ‘I’ in ‘useless smug colleague’, either. And there’s four in ‘platitude-quoting idiot’. Go figure.
23. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can’t do.
24. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.
25. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots. 26. If you’re gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes – make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
27. Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I didn’t do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.
28. The office is like an army, and I’m the field general. You’re my footsoldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!
29. Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.
30. Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man – more for leaning on than illumination.
31. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else’s?
32. Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?….
33. You don’t have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!!
34. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.
35. Avoid employing unlucky people – throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
Top
A CRACKING LITTLE JOHNNY GAG
Johnny’s next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the new parents invited Little Johnny’s family over to see the new baby. Little Johnny’s parents being very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbours.
They said, ‘Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. We want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or you’re really going to get your bottom spanked when we get back home.’
‘Okay,’ said little Johnny, ‘I promise not to mention his ears at all.’ So off they went to see the new baby. At the neighbours home Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby’s hand gently. He looked at it’s mother and said, ‘Oh what a beautiful little baby!’
The mother, who had braced herself for what Johnny might say, was pleasantly surprised and said, ‘Thank you very much Johnny.’ He then said, ‘This baby has perfect little hands, and perfect little feet. Why just look at his pretty little eyes… Did the doctor say he can see good?’
The mother said a bit bewildered, ‘Why yes… the doctor said he has 20/20 vision, Why do you ask?’
Little Johnny said, ‘Well, it’s a good thing, ’cause he sure as hell can’t wear glasses!!!’
Top
THE INFLATABLE PUPIL
An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day.
Bored in his history lesson he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him. He runs out of the school. As he gets outside he thinks again “I hate school” and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school.
He runs off to his inflatable home. Two hours later his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself. Later on in the evening he wakes up in inflatable hospital and sees the headmaster is in the inflatable bed next to him.
Shaking his deflated head more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones :- “You’ve let me down; you’ve let the school down but, worst of all, ….. you’ve let yourself down”
Top
STRONGEST MAN
The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing £1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed.
Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge. After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar. Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked “What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?”
“No” the man replied, “I work for Inland Revenue.”
Top
LEARN JAPANESE IN FIVE MINUTES
1) That’s not right – Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive? – Hu Yu Hai Ding?
3) See me ASAP – Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man – Dum Gai
5) Small Horse – Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? – Wai Yu So Tan?
7) I bumped into a coffee table – Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift – Chin Tu Fat
9) It’s very dark in here – Wai So Dim?
10) I thought you were on a diet – Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone – No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week – Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight – Lei Ying Lo
14) He’s cleaning his automobile – Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive – Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great – Fu Kin Su Pah
Top
POSH – This is just SOOOOO good!
Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t – the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily. “What happened?” asked Posh .
“Well,” the driver replied, “the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asked Posh. The driver replied: “I’m Victoria Bekham’s driver, and I just killed the cow.”
Top
BLONDE JOKES
No offence to any blondes out there
If you do take offence MAKE SURE YOU PUT IT BACK
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up. The husband asked, “Who was that?” The wife said, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know “if the coast is clear.”
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.” The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!” So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.” The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them. “A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy: W.”
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
“Is it mine?”
A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. “My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?” “Yes, officer, I’m just fine” the blonde chirped. “Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. “Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. “I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was …. “”Uh, ma’am”, the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”
A blonde was driving home, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner decided to have some fun, and told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard & all the dents would pop out. So, she went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder & still nothing happened. Her roommate saw her and asked, “What the heck are you doing?” She told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow in the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, “Uh, Hello! You need to roll up the windows first!!”
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with her at a salon. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.” “That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I only can sell the car.” “Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.” The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?” “No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
So there’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?” The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, “You are on the other side!”
Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit ’em.
Top
IN MY NEXT LIFE
In this life I’m a woman.
In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear.
When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping, and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly, cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup … gonna be a bear!
Top
THE JOYS OF GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into it. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding her rear paws tightly with left hand, force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger, hold mouth shut to a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into her mouth. Drop pill under ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and to repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door on to neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for data on last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into a fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat’s front and rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty gardening gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner, push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour half a pint of cold water down throat to wash pill down.
14 . Get spouse to drive you to A & E. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
15. Make arrangements to take cat to vet twice a day for shots.
Top
THE BEER PRAYER (sent by a guy – of course!)
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage’s,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.
For ever and ever.
BARMEN
Top
THE TALKING DOG
A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
You talk?” he asks. Sure do.” the dog replies. So, what’s your story?” The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.”
“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.” I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, “Ten quid.” The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Cause he’s a *%$?!* liar. He didn’t do any of that shit.”
Top
NEW EXERCISE PROGRAMME (courtesy of a Furry Monkey Friend!)
Here’s the exercise program I am using to stay in shape. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.
It may be too strenuous for some.
ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.
** NOW SCROLL DOWN…
NOW SCROLL UP…
Feel the burn !!
Top
ELDERLY WOMEN
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection. The light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us!!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh Shit! Am I driving?”
Top
THE VOLKSWAGEN AND THE ROLLS
This man in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?”
The guy in the Rolls says, “Yes, of course I do.” I got one too… see?” Uh, huh, yes, that’s very nice.” “You got a fax machine?” “Why, actually, yes, I do.” “I do too! See? It’s right here!” “Uh-huh.”
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, “So, do you have a double bed in back there?” And the guy in the Rolls says, “NO! Do you?” “Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!”
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in the back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen.
He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, “Hey. Remember me?” “Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What’s up?” “Check this out… I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.”
“AND YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!
Top
INTERESTING FACTS
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world’s nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It’s possible to lead a cow upstairs … but not downstairs.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It’s physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years..
No word in the English language rhymes with “MONTH.”
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left-handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
“Go,” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.
You tried to lick your elbow, didn’t you?!!
Top
SHEPHERD
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T; cell phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his lackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi- tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.,” says the honest shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, Why not?”
“You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd. “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the savvy shepherd, “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don’t know crap about my business…….now give me back my dog.”
Top
CAT RULES
BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in the door and think about various things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human’s bare foot.
HAMPERING
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as hampering.” 1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. 2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. 3) For paperwork, lie so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. 4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him, jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to be startled. 5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lie in human’s lap, preventing typing.
WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get out of bed in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night so he cannot move.
LITTER BOX
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially his face, turn around, and present your butt to him. Humans love this, so do it often. And don’t forget guests!
Top
IRISH HUMOUR
An American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans are. “Gee, we’ve even put a man on the moon.” “That’s nothing,” replied the Irishman,” we’re going to put a man on the sun.” “Don’t be stupid,” said the American,” “he’ll fry before he even gets there.” “Oh no, he won’t. We’re sending him at night.”
-o0o- -o0o- -o0o-
A passerby watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. “Tell me,” said the passerby, “What on earth are you doing?” “Well,” said the digger,” Usually there are three of us. I dig, Paddy plants the tree and Mick fills in the hole. Today Paddy is off ill, but that doesn’t mean Mick and I have to take the day off, does it?”
Top
LUCKY GIRL
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20—on one condition.” Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.” The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed from her purse a $20 bill, which she pressed into the young man’s hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully whispered …..
“Clean my house.”
Top
A GOOD CAT JOKE BUT A BAD MOUSE ONE!
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, ‘You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.’
The cats says, ‘Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, ‘All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, ‘How are you doing? Are you happy here?’
The cat yawns and stretches and says, ‘Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!’