Well here are the not so clean jokes you wanted! If you feel you’re in the wrong section, click on the clean jokes to go to the right place!
Thanks to everyone who sends them to me to brighten up a dull day…keep sending them along… =)
Watch out for the new jokes!
£280,000 MORTGAGE
For his birthday, little Max asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, ‘Son,
we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother
just lost her job.. There’s no way we can afford it.’ The next day the father saw
little Max heading out the front door with a suitcase So he asked, ‘Son, where
are you going?’ Little Max told him; ‘I was walking past your room last night
and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself … with a £280,000 mortgage and no f*#ken bike!
SHAGGY DOG STORY
An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.
The only problem was that the spinster’s own dog was a bitch that was on heat and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.
As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.
Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.
Though it was 11:30pm, she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.
The spinster explained the problem, The vet said. “I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch”
“Oh” Said the spinster. “Do you think that will work?”
“Well,” The vet replied, “it just bloody -well worked on me!”
CHUCKLE OF THE DAY
Chuckle of the day…..
I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
HAIR REMOVER
My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month
The lady went to the chemist and bought some “Nair” hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
The lady said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t shave for a couple of days.”
The lady replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”
The pharmacist says, “Well stay off your bicycle for about a week.”
LAS VEGAS
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 55th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the MGM Hotel/Casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, “George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude.”
“Harriet, she’s a prostitute.”
“I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?”
“Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.”
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to Room 217. “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?”
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.
George asked, “How much do you charge?”
“$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.”
Even George was taken aback. “$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25.”
Bambi laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.”
“Well,” said George, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.”
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, “I just can’t believe it!”
George said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat dinner.”
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, “See what you get for $25 bucks!”
GOLF ON FRIDAYS
Eileen and her husband John went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband John watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to John and said, ‘This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?’
John thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
And then the fight started!!!
BODY BUILDER
The body builder takes off his shirt
And the blonde says,”What a Great chest you have!’
He tells her,’That’s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.’
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,’What massive calves you have!’
The body builder tells her,’That’s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.’
He then removes his underwear and tThe blonde goes running out of the room screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.He catches up to her and asks why sShe ran out of the room like that.
The blonde replies,’I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!’
RUBBER GLOVES
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you’re going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
“Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked.
“No, I don’t,” she replied.
“Well,” he spoofed, “there’s a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.”
She didn’t crack a smile.
“Oh, well. I tried,” he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
“What’s so funny?” he asked
“I was just envisioning how condoms are made!”
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!
HANDS AND LEGS
The Nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and asked the question, “When you die and go to heaven…..which part of your Body goes first?”
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
The Nun said, “Why do you think that Suzy?”
Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Clive raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.”
The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face and said, “Now Clive, why do you think it would be your legs?”
Little Clive said, “Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh God I’m coming.”
“If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her,” and with that the Nun fainted.
POOR MILDRED
Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to learn her heart’s exact location.
“Since you’re a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?” She hung up without answering.
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound, to her knee.
KOALA BEAR AND THE HOOKER
A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed.
The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion.
“Oh God,that was great! Now I need my money.” The koala bear just looks
at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, “No, I need my money. I’m a hooker and this is how I make a living.”
The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to “hooker.” She hands it to the koala bear and it reads:
“HOOKER: person who has sex for money.”
Then the koala bear turns the page to “koala bear” and walks out the door. The hooker reads:
“KOALA BEAR: Eats Bushes and Leaves.”
PROFESSOR
A Professor was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscular Contractions” to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”
She replied, “Probably fishing with his mates.”
The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.
NAUGHTY CHOCOLATES
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman’s Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a
Wine Gum.
He asked her name, “Polo, I’m the one with the hole” she said.
“I’m the one with the nuts,” he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury
Turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn’t long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her
Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and
Miss Rowntree shaked her Tic Tacs for him.
Miss Rowntree wasn’t keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a
Trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he Always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink
Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet
Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss
Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
FIRE STATION
Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women’s husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: ‘These girl nights have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst…my wife came home with no panties!!’
‘That’s nothing’ said the other husband,’Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass
that said…..
‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.’
GRANDMA AND GRANDPA
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad; they’re very strong and very expensive.”
“How much?” asked Grandpa.
“£10.00 a pill,” Answered the son.
“I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.”
Later the next morning, the son found £110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was £10.00, not £110.00.
“I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma!”
EGG TIMER
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in. She turned and said, “You’ve got to make love to me
this very moment.”
His eyes lit up and he thought, “This is my lucky day.” Not wanting to
lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there
on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, “What was that all about?”
She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
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THE VICARS CHICKEN
The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church. One Sunday morning before church, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation, “Has anybody got a cock?”
All the men stood up.
“No, no, that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”
All the women stood up.
“No, no, that wasn’t what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?”
Half the women stood up !
“No, no, no, that wasn’t what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?”
Sixteen altar boys, two vergers and a goat stood up.
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NEW TAX LAW
The only thing that is not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1st, 2007 the penis will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10 – 12″ Luxury Tax £30.00
8 – 10″ Pole Tax £25.00
5 – 8″ Privilege Tax £15.00
4 – 5″ Nuisance Tax £3.00
Males exceeding 12″ must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!
Which one would be your tax bracket?
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CONDOMS
A man walks into a drug store with his 9-year old son. They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy (who obviously knows the answer, but
wants to know if his dad will give him a proper answer or not) asks, “What
are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son….Men use them to have safe sex.” Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package.”
The Dad replies, “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool!” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?” “Those are for college boys.” the dad answers, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.” “WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March……..”
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SUPERMAN
One day, Superman was flying across the sky, and he notices Wonderwoman lying asleep, but STARK NAKED on a beach blanket.
So.. he decided to go down & get some.
So after he had done the deed, he flew away. Then Wonderwoman got up and said “What was THAT?” And the invisible man said “I don’t know… but my butt sure hurts.”
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MONKS MISTAKES
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, “We missed the “R” ! , we missed the “R”!
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was… CELEBRATE!
Top
EXCELLENT SHORT JOKE
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
” Mum” he asked, “are these my brains?”
“Not yet” she replied.
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STAY OF EXECUTION
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?” And on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long, hot soak in the bathtub, still pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered it, and was told that her husband’s client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a trying day her husband must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband’s rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.
He whirled around and screamed, “FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?”
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THE STOWAWAY
A young woman in London was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the River Thames.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to live for.
I’m off to America in the morning and, if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.”
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and whispered, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. So that night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
“What are you doing here?” the captain asked.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get food and a trip to America, and he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” the captain said. “This is the Woolwich Ferry.”
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WHY?
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON’T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don’t have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don’t stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
(You’re laughing, aren’t you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don’t know….it never happened)
( C’mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn)
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TEN TIMES THE SIZE
The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” No one answered for a long time until little Mary stood up, angry, and told the teacher that she should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal, who would fire the teacher!
The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.
The teacher said “Very good, Billy.” Then she turned to Mary and said, “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
1) you have a dirty mind,
2) you didn’t read your homework,
and
3) one day you will be very, very disappointed.”
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GIFTS FROM GOD
God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up urinating. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.”
Adam jumped up and blurted, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It’d be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.”
On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, he could have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And lo, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
“Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts.
“What’s left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms…”
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PHARMACOLOGY
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink.” Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: “MOUNT &DO”
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ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES
A family are sitting around the supper table.
The son asks his father: “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?”
The father, surprised, answers:
“Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a women’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry!”
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said:
“Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers:
“Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In a man’s twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!”
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Men Are Just Happier People…
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WHEN:
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don’t cut, blister or mangle your feet.
Your underwear is £9.99 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
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TOP 10 THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A NAKED MAN
1 This explains your car.
2 I never saw one like that before.
3 But it still works, right?
4 Are you cold?
5 I guess this makes me the early bird.
6 Ahhhh, it’s cute.
7 Can I be honest with you?
8 Maybe it looks better in natural light.
9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10 Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
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WIFE HUNT
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their trolleys around B&Q when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
The old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”
The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, a nice peachy bottom and she’s wearing tight white shorts.”
What does your wife look like?”
The old guy says, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.”
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MONASTERY LIFE
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
“We missed the “R” ! , we missed the “R” !”
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…
CELEBRATE!!!”
Top
PAY RAISE
I, the Penis hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
* I do physical labor.
* I work at great depths.
* I plunge head first into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
* I work in a damp environment.
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
* I work in high temperatures.
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight.
* You fall asleep after brief work periods.
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
* You do not stay in your designated area and are often see visiting other locations.
* You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
* You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing protective clothing.
* You will retire well before you are 65.
* You are unable to work double shifts.
* You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
* Moreover, if all this is not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
The Management
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THE EULOGY
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
Again she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said,
“Lord, they’re finally together.”
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
“Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”
The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”
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DUMB BLONDE
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the Vegas craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman from Tennessee arrived and bet
twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I
play topless.”
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and
yelled, “Come on, baby….Southern Girl needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and- down….and
squealed… “YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers…and then picked up her winnings
and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know… I thought you were watching.”
Moral:
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men…..are men.
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VASELINE (BIT CRUDE!)
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until, one
day; he comes across a Harley with a ‘For Sale’ sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys
it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for
10 years.
“Well, it’s quite simple, really,” says the seller, “whenever the bike
is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain.” And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they
enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, “I have to tell you
something about my family before we go in.” “When we eat dinner, we
don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during
dinner has to do the dishes.” “No problem,” he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the
stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches
over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her
clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in
front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. “She’s got a great body,” he thinks. So he grabs
the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her
every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend
is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, “All right,
that’s enough, I’ll do the f*cking dishes!”
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A MEDICAL PROBLEM
An old woman came into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. “I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they’re soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I’ve been here, I’ve farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?”
“Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week.”
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson’s office. “Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I’m farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Calm down, Mrs. Harris,” said the doctor soothingly. “Now that we’ve fixed your sinuses, we’ll work on your hearing!!!”
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ADS
A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life.
The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, “Maxwell Coffee-house”. The mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said: “Satisfaction to the last drop”, so Mother was happy.
The second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; “Four Square Cigarettes”. So the mother looks for the ad, and it says; “LIVE LIFE KING SIZE”. And Mother is happy.
Then it was the third one’s wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply “BRITISH AIRWAYS”. Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted.
The ad read: “TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS”!
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FANCY DRESS
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate. The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: Dear Sir, Sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a really rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup treacle. Pour the tin of golden syrup treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a*se and go as a toffee apple.
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TEXANS
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new “city” outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, “Yes ma’am. Ya see, I’m from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit.”
“Well,” her eyes lit up as she asked, “Where you would like to start?”
“Well, ma’am, how about a suit?” “Yes, sir … What size?” “Size 53 … tall, ma’am” “Wow … That’s really big.”
“Yes, ma’am … They really grow them big in Texas.”
“What’s next?” she asked. He replied, “How’s about some shoes?” “What size?” “Size 15 … double D.” “Wow … That’s really big!”
“Yes, ma’am … They really grow them big in Texas.”
“What’s next?” “Well, … I reckon I’ll need a shirt.” “Yes, sir … what size?” “Nineteen and a half … 38,” he replied.
“Wow … That’s really big!” “Yes, ma’am … They really grow them big in Texas.”
“Will there be anything else?” she crooned. “Yes, ma’am, I expect I’ll need a hat.” “Yes, sir, what size?” “Nine and five-eights.” “Wow … That’s really big!”
“Yes, ma’am … They really grow them big in Texas.” She virtually glowed as she asked, “Whew … is there anything else I can do for you?” “No ma’am, I reckon that will be all.”
Well, the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan was counting out his money … Then she worked up some nerve and asked, “Sir, could I ask you… er… a … question?”
“Yes, ma’am, I already know what it is … and the answer is … four inches.” She is astonished and blurts out indignantly, “Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!”
Without so much as a stutter the Texan replied, “Across, ma’am?”
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ED ZACHARY
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang aid, “OK, take off your crose.” The woman did as she was told. “Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.” Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery, reery fast back to me.” So she did.
Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, “Your probrem vewy bad, you haf, ‘Ed Zachary’ Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates.”
Confused, the woman asked, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?” Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, “Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.”
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THE DRUNK AND THE GHOST
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”
The drunk, still staring down replied: “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost”
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GOLDEN JUBILEE
There’s a pensioner couple on holiday, back in the place where they first met. They’re sitting in the pub and he says to her, “remember our first time together, almost fifty years ago? We went round the corner to the gas works. You leaned against the fence an’ I gave you one from behind”. “Yes”, she says, “I remember it well”. “OK”, he says, “how about taking a stroll round there for old times sake”. “Sounds like a good idea”, she answers.
There’s a chap sitting at the next table listening to all this having a chuckle to himself, and he thinks, I’ve got to see this, two pensioners having sex against the gas works fence. So he follows them. They get to the gas works, she lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and leans against the fence. He takes her from behind and goes hell for leather like an eighteen-year-old. The other chap is peeping round the corner at this, thinking, he can’t half go for a pensioner.
After about forty minutes the old couple finish and get their clothes back on. The guy watching thinks, that was amazing, he was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple pass the chap says, “That was something else, you must have been there for about forty minutes. How do you manage it, is there some sort of secret?”
“No, there’s no secret”, the man says, “but fifty years ago that fence wasn’t electrified”
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THE IRISHMAN AND THE DOCTOR
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems….
“Dactor, it’s me ahrse. I’d loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot”. So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. “Incredible” he says, “there is a £20 note lodged up here.” Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man’s bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
“This is amazing!” exclaims the Doctor. “What do you want me to do?” “Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!” shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc…. Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
“Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat”s moch batter, how moch is dare den?” The Doctor counts the pile of cash. “£1,990 exactly.”
(Wait for it…………)
“Ah, dat’d be roit. I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand.”
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A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son.They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?” To which the man matter-of-factly replies,”Those are called condoms,son….Men use them to have safe sex.” “Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package.” The Dad replies, “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday,one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool!” says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?” “Those are for college boys.” the dad answers, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied,”Those are for married men. One for January, one or February, one for March……..”
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HOW CLEAN IS YOUR MIND?
I challenge you NOT to think dirty. All of the answers in this quiz are NOT obscene in any way.
1) What is a four-letter word that ends in “k”and means the same as intercourse?
2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3) What can you find in a man’s pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4) What word starts with “f ” and ends with “u-c-k”?
5) Name five words that are each four letters long, end in “u-n-t” one of which is a word for a woman?
6) What does a dog do that you can step into?
7) What four letter word begins with “f ” and ends with “k”, and if you can’t get one you can use your hands?
8) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
9) What four-letter word ends in “i-t ” and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
10) What is it that all men have one of; it’s longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn’t use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they’re married?
ANSWERS:
1. talk
2. legs
3. a twenty pound note
4. firetruck
5. bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt
6. pants
7. fork
8. Whole nut chocolate bar
9. grit
10. last name
You should be ashamed of yourself!
I know what you were thinking!
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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her,
respect her,
honour her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring food.
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CHILDBIRTH
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the FATHER. He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husbands’ blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
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NAMING YOUR CHILD
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
“Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?” She told him, “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”
Then he asked, “Why is my younger sister named Cornflower?” She replied, “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when she was conceived.”
“And why is my older sister called Moonchild?”
The mother said, “We were watching the moon landing while she was being conceived.”
Mother Indian paused for a second and asked her son, “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious???”
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IRISH PILOTS…..DANGER!!!
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night with Paddy the Pilot and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.
“B’jeesus” said Paddy “Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is”.
You’re not fookin kiddin Paddy”, replied Shamus.
“Dis is gonna be one a de trickiest landings you’re ever gonna see” said Paddy.
“You’re not fookin kiddin Paddy”, replied Shamus.
“Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse” said Paddy.
“Right, I’ll be doing dat” replied Shamus “And den ye put de flaps down straightaway” said Paddy.
“Right, I’ll be doing dat” replied Shamus. “And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can” said Paddy.
“Right, I’ll be doing dat” replied Shamus. “And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a’ your soul” said Paddy
I be doing dat already” replied Shamus. So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus “Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life”.
Shamus looked out the side window and replied “Yeah Paddy, but look how Fookin wide it is”.
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FARMER JONES
One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However,he now had a problem how to carry all of his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket,carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The lady said, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”
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RENT FOR THE APARTMENT
A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT”.
On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed find cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; 3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large. >
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!
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THINGS I’VE LEARNED AS I GET OLDER AND WISER
I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.
I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I’ve learned to say F— ’em if they can’t take a joke” in 6 different languages.
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A VERY KINKY JOKE!
A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, “I vish to buy sex vit you.”
“OK” says the girl, “I’ll charge 20 an hour.”
“Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.”
“No problem,” she replies cautiously, “I can do a little kinky.” So off they go to the girl’s flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.”
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her elbows and knees. “Now you vill get on your hans und knees.” She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
“You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you.” She find this odd, but it’s harmless, and after all the guy is paying well. The sex is fantastic.
She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say:
“That was totally amazing, where did you learn how to do that?”
“Ah,” says the German, “Four-sprung duck technique”
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GHOSTS
A professor at the University of Tennessee was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” About 15 students raise their hands.
“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
Way in the back, Billy Ray raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, Billy Ray, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”
Billy Ray replied, “Sh*t! From way back thar I thought you said, “Goats!”
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KICK
The little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. “Not yet” said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. He goes to feed the chickens … and he kicks the chicken. He goes to feed the cows…….. and he kicks the cow. He goes to feed the pigs……. and he kicks the pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks. “Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick the chickens, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk.”
His father comes down for breakfast, and he accidentally kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother and says “Are you going to tell him, or should I?
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SCREAMING
Three best friends are at the corner bar on a Friday night as usual. One of them is an Italian, one is Black and the other is Jewish. They are sitting around drinking some beers, and they make a wager. They bet who can make love to their wife and make her scream the longest. They agree to return next week and compare.
Next week, they all arrive at the bar at the usual time with smiles on their faces.
The Italian guy says, “I definitely won. I took my wife out to dinner, bought her roses, then took her home and made love to her. She screamed for an hour.”
The black guy says, “Man, that’s nothin’. I cooked dinner for my wife, and for dessert I poured honey all over her and made love to her like never before. She screamed for two hours.”
The Jewish guy chimes in, ” I got you both beat. I made love to my wife for 3 minutes, pulled out, then wiped my schmeckel on the curtain. She’s still screaming!”
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IMAGINE
A man and his wife are having sex.
Fifteen minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them.
The wife finally looks up and says, “What’s the matter, darling, can’t you think of anyone else, either?”
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POTION
A woman goes to see her Doctor to complain about her husband. “Doctor, my husband and I have been married for nearly 20 years now, and he has stopped making love to me.”
The Doctor replied: “Here, take this potion and give your husband three drops of it in his tea just before you go to bed. That should do the trick.”
The next day the women returns, “Oh Doctor, what a fantastic potion you gave me. My husband and I made love all night and we even tried out some of that kinky stuff he was always dreaming of. Do you think I should give him twenty drops tonight?” To her the Doctor replied: “I would be a bit concerned about that much. Nobody has ever taken so much in one go, so I will leave the decision up to you. But be careful!”
On the following day, the woman returns yet again, glowing with happiness, but obviously walking in some pain. “Oh Doctor, you won’t believe how fantastic my night was. I didn’t sleep at all last night. My husband and I were at it for 10 hours non-stop, made love in 15 different positions, and I just can’t wait till he gets home tonight. I think I will give him the whole bottle this time!” The doctor replied: “I am not so sure if this is a good idea. This was definitely never tried before, but make sure you let me know tomorrow what happened.”
On the following morning, a little boy comes into the Doctor’s practice. “Are you the jerk that gave my mother that potion?” The Doctor answered: “Yes, Why? What happened? Where is your mother?” “My mother is dead, my sister is pregnant, I can hardly walk and my Dad’s running around the house calling ‘Here kitty, kitty…….'”.
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ORGASMS
“The Four Different Types of Orgasms”
These are obviously referring to the female orgasm.
1. The Positive Orgasm: When you hear, “Oh yes, Oh yes!”
2. The Negative Orgasm: When you hear, “Oh NO, Oh NO!”
3. The Spiritual Orgasm: When you hear, “Oh God, Oh God”
4. The Fake Orgasm: When you hear, “Oh (Insert your name here)!”
Men only have one kind…. Grateful! (“Thank you! Thank you!”)
Cause they’re never sure if they’re ever going to have sex again! That’s why they want to have it all the time! They never know when their “last time” will be…
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WORDS ON A BLACKBOARD
One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word ‘PENIS’ in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class.
The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word ‘PENIS’ again; this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s larger than the previous one.
Finally one day, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”
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VENTRILOQUIST
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee!”
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IT WON’T DO YOU ANY GOOD
A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, “May I buy you a drink?”
“Okay,” she said, “but it won’t do you any good.”
A little later, he asks, “May I buy you another drink?”
“Okay,” she said again, “but it won’t do you any good.”
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, “Okay, but you know it won’t do you any good.”
They get to his apartment and he says, “You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife.”
“Oh, well that’s different….” she says. “Send her in!”
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GROUP THERAPY
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children…
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”
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DIAGNOSIS
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
He immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is correct,” says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks. “Yes,” says the woman, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “That’s right,” replies the doctor.
He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place.”
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IRISH EMOTION
This guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come dressed as different emotions e.g. anger, fear etc. On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?” And the guy says, “I’m green with envy”. The host replies, “Brilliant come on in and have a drink.”
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?” She replies, “I’m tickled pink”. The host says, “I love it, come on in and join the party.”
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, stark naked, one with his willy stuck in a bowl of custard, and the other with his willy stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, “What the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out there in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?” Paddy replies, “Well, I’m f*cking discustard, and my friend here has just come in dispair.”!!!!!
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LETTUCE LETTUCE LETTUCE TOMATO LETTUCE
A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper “lettuce” if she wants it harder and “tomato” if she wants a new position.
Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! She screams. Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!! PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can’t get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, “Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You’re getting mayonnaise all over my face!*!*!*!*!
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HUSBANDS
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin. “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?
She replied…. “Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up and running.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was … Oh I miss him so much !
But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited!”
“Good,” said the husband, “but, why?”
“You work for the Inland Revenue …… This time I KNOW I’m gonna get screwed!”
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BIC LIGHTER
An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.
The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.
The American says, “Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?”
The english guy says, “A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle”.
“Wow”, says the American, “Can I have a go?”
“Sure”, Says the Englishman.
The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out,
“You have one wish” Says the genie.
The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.
About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.
The American says “I don’t believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks”.
The englishman says “Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?”.
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LABOUR PAIN
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the postman was dead on their porch.
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THE POPE AND THE CAMERA
The Pope was having a shower and although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
Hold on a minute” said the Pope. “You can’t do that. You’ll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.” “This picture is my lottery win” said the photographer. “I’ll be financially secure for life.”
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid. The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera.
He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. “That looks like a really good camera,” she said, “how much did it cost you?”
“Two million quid” replied the Pope.
“TWO MILLION QUID!” said the housekeeper. “They must have seen you coming.”
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GETTING OLD
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out. They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly. “Well,” she said, responding very carefully, “I’d have to say that I would like it infrequently.” The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, “Was that one word or two?”
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VASELINE
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, “Where’s Mom and dad?” and she replied, “they’re up in bed.” The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.
Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma “where’s Mom and Dad?”and she replied “they’re still up in bed.” Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma “where’s Mom and dad?” and his grandmother replied “they’re still up in bed.” The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, “What gives?
Every time I tell you they’re still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?” The little boy replied, “Well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue.”
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NAUGHTY FUN
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came to court.
The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied,”Well your honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help noticing her condition. “She sat under a sign that said, ‘the Double Mint Twins are coming,’ and I grinned.
“Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Sloans Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile.
“Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “Williams big stick did the trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself.
“But your honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident,’ … I just lost it”.
“Case dismissed”